Everything Else

by Jillian Ann

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04:00
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about

Everything Else

is a soundtrack
for dreams
and feelings

credits

released 02 July 2011
Jillian ann

tags

license

all rights reserved

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Track Name: Fighting The Shadow
never give up
Track Name: Burning
love
passion flame
desire
oh but to encounter one
who shares the same
desires to live life beyond the ordinary

the path I chose to walk
is the only one I can walk
to walk another only ends
in feeling numb inside
silenced by the spirit
worn weak from raging
I cannot live tearing
my spirit from body
to fuse all is the only way
I sleep at night

but this spirit
isnt seduced
by beauty money power fame riches
kings queens actors stars
they try and I feel them
and when it feels as if I would
just feel alone with everything
in the world like a prisoner
in a castle full of riches sex and everything
most people would live and die for
I know I would never be happy there
I would just end up feeling lonely

I don't need to touch you
to feel you or even be
near you once my heart
is in synch with another
I can feel them across the ocean
across all time as if they become
part of me

Many can't feel me or feel themselves
lost in the noise
of all the pretty lights
blinded by all the screaming
demands of life
unaware of the sea
that drags us along
unless we learn
how to feel it
see it
steer a boat on top of it
rather then being torn away from ourselves
by the current

tragic
so pretty
they have so much
they are the poster perfect other half
sometimes people tell me
you'll end up alone

but if I am not connected
to a soul
I am already alone

I do not want this shallow thing
some call love
I do not need this to make me feel
I am worth something
I only want to share time and space
with another
Who when time and space is shared
it inspires expands
It becomes yet another teacher
and through what we share
we grow together or
apart but we are evolving all the same

I do not want to satisfy this hunger
with food which will only leave me starving
while too full to breathe

I would rather be alone
But empty
and silent
for at least then
spirit can still
flow through me

To close off the doors
behind the walls of a castle
built out of distractions and noise
is just a suicide waiting to happen
to live dead is not to live
so I enjoy all things

but am a prisoner to nothing

not even love

the burning flame
burns on without or without
anyone to share it with
with or without any one
to grow with
with or without anyone
in my bed or wrapped around
my naked body in sweat and tears
the passion will only die within me

if i kill my spirit
in hopes of
finding love

there is no finding love
it is always here
burning inside of me

there is only sharing that flame
maybe for a moment
maybe for a lifetime
maybe in poems
maybe in love
maybe in kisses
maybe through skin
but its not outside of me
all i can do is share it
i can never find it
Track Name: Only In Dreams
Only in Dreams
is our world at peace
Only in dreams
do others seem to have the courage
needed to change these things
to end the greed
to end the war
to end the hate
to end the abuse
to end everything that tears us apart from death
only in dreams do we cease
to bend to the fear
which drives us all apart
from inside our own hearts
I never want to wake up
Let me live in this dream
for here love never dies
here we don't need to suffer
here is now if we chose it
but we were sold a reality
one craved out of fear
to control
everyone living there
lives in a nightmare
creating hell on earth
go to sleep go to sleep
stop killing each other
stop lying to each other
stop harming each other
are you awake are asleep
is your reality real or was it
anothers dream which now you live in
you kill for another?
you kill to buy things ?
whos dream is this?
is it yours? are you living
in someone elses
I refuse to bow
to become part of the nightmare
are you awake or asleep
is this your dream?
if not
wake up
wake up
stop co creating nightmares
feeding the current hell
stop the madness
its mad to just be a pawn in
someone elses dream
thats insanity
whos dream is it
your eyes open
your in a field with a gun
shoot they say
kill they say
in front of you is a human
just like you
like your mother father son sister
kill them kill them
they are evil

WHOS DREAM IS THIS ?
you kill them your in a nightmare

wake up
wake up

don't live
as a pawn in someone elses
dream

thats how we end up with
hell on earth
nightmares in real life

I am going back to my dream
where I create through actions
and choice as much beauty
as I can here and when I see
those who want to use me as a pawn
I run I hide I go inside
you can't see me
you can't use me
I will not be a pawn in your dream

Be free
be awake
be here
be here now
Track Name: Starlight
guide me
Track Name: Ghost
I can feel you
like a ghost
once I create
that bond
skin and sweat
inside out
the merging of bodies
in long nights
of making love
with the stars
under the moon
in the silence
you become part
I become part of you
then the time always
seems to come
when the time and space
the distance and years
pulls us apart
I find myself far away
sitting still
and then I feel you
move dream dance
hurt sometimes I wonder
if I am actually feeling you
so then I would ask
hundreds of times I asked
and hundreds of times It
was correct as if I string
had been tied from your soul
to mine

maybe everytime we make love
we tie a soul string
I feel like we do
cutting them is like
pulling a string out
cutting it
sometimes I have to cut them
sometimes I have to run away
I never want to I always want to stay
forever my hearts never liked
endings it likes eternities
but not prisions
their is a difference
I just never understand
why we couldn't love each other
forever its not that hard
as long as I am willing to let go

If I love you
I love you without me
I love you when your away
I love you when you love someone else
I love you when your happy
I love you when your sad
I love you when your mad at me
I love you when we fight
I love you even if you hurt me
If it hurts too much
I may have to love you from far away
But I never want to not love you
Even if I try to cut the string
I only can seem to lessen it
Even if it hurts its still a part of me

Like my family
I love them
Even though they want me to be
someone I cant be
Believe things I cant believe
Obey rules I don't believe in
Then they get angry
They get sad they blame me
My mother said once NYC was where
all the evil people went
I scare here with my art
She is ashamed of me
She is angry and sad
But its not me making her sad
I am just me
She is just her

Mother
I love you
But I can't be who you
want me to be
its not me
If you can love me as I am
I miss you
I miss having a family
but if the cost of being
me is my family

Then I accept it

I invited them to visit
since I left home
I would always make
My home as pretty as I could
i never had much
but I can make anything
pretty with things others
throw away
I invited them
They never came
Not once and now I realize
They never will
I always wanted to share
all the things I thought were pretty
with them but they told me
they were all bad
and the things I thought were beautiful
they said were evil and so

I still love them
I didn't know what to do
I would try and try
Call write
ask
I felt like I was begging
Months would go by
no calls
no letters
silence
I would reach out
Silence
eventually I realized

I can't do anything about it
I made a home in my heart and life
but they may never come
and its ok I can still love them
from a distance
forever

It taught me love
It taught me not to rage
It taught me how to be my own family
I had to become my own mother and father
as a kid in the world alone
because mine werent there

It taught me love
and how to love
even when people
aren't like me
it taught me how not to give up
but to surrender
and that although
part of me has always
wanted to be or have
a family

I know I am my own
and maybe that is all
I will ever have
and if so it is enough

Lovers become like
additions to my family
they may leave
they may not be here
but in my heart
they will always have a home
maybe in silence
maybe from a distance
but anyone that close
deserve to know
that even if we end in someways
there is still love there

for in the end
the things that seems to cause the most
harm in this world is the bitter
closed off hate and angry
which causes us to kill each other
and kill love and it would be easier
for me to hate them
to rage
but then i become empty

and it cuts me off from
what keeps me here

and so like ghost
they are always with me
near me
part of me
and have a home with me
for i hope someday
through many lives
all of this can be
resolved
through
love
Track Name: Never Die
we never die
so there is nothing to fear
we just transform
one life to another
all we can take
is the love we share
so why fight
why worry about buying things
we can't carry them across with us
we can't own the sky
all we can take
is the love
we gave
through lifetimes
through cross lines
your always with me
i am always with you
Track Name: Walking Alone
I felt safer alone
in the dark
in the woods
with the animals
and the trees
then in my own home
as a child
I started to become
aware of the subtle shifts
of energy of peoples feelings
I would feel them shift
and go running
away from them
animals never scared me
they never harmed me
I felt like them
I walked with them
I realized thats how they feel
they feel me shift
I felt people shift
people scared me
they would shift
then become violent
I learned how to
feel them shift
before they became
violent
most of the time and
would run
hard
fast
deep into the woods
i could hide there
no one would find me
i could feel them
before they saw me
this kept me
safe it was the only
place i felt safe
alone with the animals
in the woods
the people in the churches
they were cruel
they did mean things
another kid hung himself
the building of love
lead to suicides and beatings
i used to write poetry
ignoring the sermon
i wrote
and wrote as long as i was
writing
i felt safe
then the kids would call me names
hit pull push laugh at
they scared me too
so i ran away from them
into the graveyard
into the dark corners
i used to hide in the corners i was
small i could hide
then i ended up
running away from all of it
i never went to school
i didn't understand people
then i met new people
i thought maybe they will be
kind
sometimes they acted kind
were nice told me nice things
then one time someone
who seemed kind
took me and then did bad
things for days
i remember how he felt
i stored the energy in my memory
anytime I felt that
ever again i would try to run
and hide
i was too small to fight
too small to fight them off
i knew if i tried
they would kill me
if i was a small animal
i would have to be like those
who run and hide
when the big ones come around
who want to eat me
sometimes
i found someone who
felt life me
then i knew
they were like me
i would feel safe there
they became my new pack
most of us
feel the same
sometimes i wonder
if the reason
i never seem to feel like
i have a home
is i never knew what
a safe one was
except the one
i created
with animals
and stones
with fire
and wood
in the city
now i feel so much
and know what it means
it pretty much protects me
against those who
want to just eat me
i have my pack
we are like wolves
protect each other
protect the pack
and those who
now think they can
harm us
i can feel you a mile away
move
now
run
now
danger

and we are hidden from you
for i refuse
to become
like you

but sometimes
i move through
so many people
never feeling one
that feels like us

and yet
i think
we once
were all
this aware

till we shut down
our senses
and our hearts